Current mood:	contemplative
Current music:	Ruby - Kaiser Chiefs

#113: just call my name, and i'll be there
Oh man this is like the 10th time I've started the post. Don't know how to start entries! And I think I totally CANNOT express myself for nuts. I read the stuff I write and sometimes I'm like whaaaat was I thinking? Haha. Yeah I feel like ranting and writing all of my random thoughts on my walls right now so that I can literally see my thoughts surrounding me but that is obviously unfeasible because can you imagine your mom knowing everything you're thinking? I don't know I hate it when my mom knows exactly what's going through my head it's so freaky. I mean, yeah mothers are supposed to know their daughters really well but I totally don't understand how that can be possible. Been watching lots of Gilmore Girls so I do think it's pretty cool how Rory and Lorelai confide in each other like they're friends but seriously that's just weird. 

And then I was thinking that I don't think there're people who know me better than my mom. Strangely. When I'm blogging and talking or expressing myself it's generally accommodating to whoever's hearing me. Or else whatever I'm saying is completely neutral. I don't know I guess I'm super uncomfortable with being judged and stuff. It's like one of those things I don't like about myself. Okay so right now I'm sort of trying to blog for myself. 

Yup so lately lots of exciting things seem to be happening for lots of people. And I think that's awesome! I think it's awesome that people are already going into Chapter 2 of life and are totally enjoying themselves. I can't wait to start school too. It's been a good, tiring 18 years so far and even though university is still school it's like this real life plus school thing. And at 18 I think we're pretty much shaped? As in personality-wise. And fundamentally, we're probably going to remain the same. We're also finally treated as actual adults. It's kind of cool, not feeling like my world is totally falling apart every few days because of some weird trivial thing or some boy or whatever. So yeah, I'm constantly preparing myself for a NEW beginning and trying not to worry about the rest of the stuff. I really like that I'm going to New York because it's so, so diverse; I don't think there's anything else about the place that matters more right now. 

I wanna meet people who I have loads in common with. I wanna meet people who are completely different. I wanna realize that some things that I feel like I'm alone in, I'm actually not. I decided (for now) that I wanna marry somebody who really understands me and is not painful to look at and is tall and is not annoying in any way and the rest doesn't really matter. I wanna re-meet people that I used to know and laugh and catch up. I want to have those 'airport moments' when you meet each other's eyes and then start shrieking and running towards each other and go 'OMG OMG OMG!'. And then we try really really hard not to drift apart again. Because it sucks to lose people and it sucks when people exit from your life and everything is different. And right now, everything is going to be different. 

I don't think now is the right time to make plans. For me at least. I'm pretty much at the edge right now and I have no idea what's below. There's so far only one place right now that I can imagine myself living in years down the road, and very very weirdly it's Beijing. Hahaha I don't think I've said this to anyone before. Okay I'm expecting this to change but there are many many reasons and Beijing is really different from the rest of China. Okay I don't foresee this happening. As of now I think my parents are pretty much expecting me to stay in the US which is likely but I really can't tell because I haven't gone there. Hmmmmm. 

Haha whatever mostly I just wanna have fun! Uni's gotta be fun. It has to. It absolutely has to. Trying not to get my hopes up but maybe I should just go all out being excited. Lol eh and Shoo please set up your Skype soon I miss talking to you!! I realize that we talk so much better in person; our very unfruitful online conversations are just too lame. Anyways I never seem to be able to have a general theme or whatever to my entries. Hahaha I would like to be able to write very interestingly well but oh well. BYEBYE. Pirated dvds await me.